Gone but not forgotten

Invisible forces are at work in our lives. Spirits of the dead knocking about in our psyches. Reminding us they once were. Leaving their indelible mark on who we are now. And begging the question, who is holding on to whom?

Take my grandfather, Herb. My memories of him are grainy and vague — like an old black and white film roughly cut. His life ended in 1967, when I was too young to understand who and what he was. But he didn’t die. Not really. His specter has carried on across the decades, no longer just a word or touch, but part of the gene pool. A dark stain on our DNA that can no longer be erased.

He was born Herbert Blair Haughawout in Genoa, Nebraska in 1902. Perhaps if his mother hadn’t died in birthing him, things would have been different. But she did. And instead of a first beloved son, Herb was seen as a cause of death. A burden to be unloaded.

Rather than grow up with his father and three older sisters, Herb was sent away. Far away to Elsinore, California to be raised by his grandmother and great aunt – two old ladies with a strict Catholic moral code. They did not spare the rod. How could they? Boys were dirty, nasty creatures who would grow up to be immoral men if given half a chance. They were determined to make a good, God-fearing fellow out of little Herb. So they disciplined him with iron fists. They scoured his soul with fire and brimstone. As a boy, Herb was constantly reminded that his natural urges were the work of the devil. Women, he learned, were either saints or harlots. Repression and resistance were drilled into him.

One day, at age six, Herb got hold of a cherry bomb. He blew off two fingers and lost an eye. Later, the glass eye he wore would give him a roguish look that women found irresistible. But as a kid, it made him a perfect target for bullies. He had to get tough. He learned to fight. And his teenage years were spent causing trouble on the streets of Whittier, California.

Because of his deformities, Herb never served in the military like many of his friends. And his juvenile delinquency was eventually replaced with other interests. He became an auto mechanic by day and a ballroom dancer by night. The former provided him with a decent living. And the latter guided him into the arms of my grandmother, Winnie. Together they won dance competitions. And they produced three children, Shirley, Clifford and my mother Patricia, in that order. Winnie was happy in the beginning. But with each child she bore, Herb’s sexual interest in her dwindled.

“He put me on a pedestal,” she would later say. “I was the mother of his children. After Patricia he didn’t even want to touch me.”

Grandma attributed his lack of interest to her busy schedule as a mom and full-time typesetter. There was less time for dancing. Her waistline thickened. At some point, Herb took a mistress. Though furious and humiliated, Winnie was too proud to show it. She carried on, growing unhappier by the year. Winnie didn’t know that Herb’s infidelity was masking a much darker secret. Something happening right under her nose. It would be years before she learned that her manly husband was a pedophile—and the victim was his own eldest daughter, Shirley. It started when Shirley was four or five years old and continued until she was 13, when Grandma walked in and caught Herb with one hand between her daughter’s legs and the other on his exposed and rigid member.

“I don’t think she knew before that,” Shirley told me many decades later. “And she didn’t say a word. She looked at him with the stoniest eyes I ever saw. They walked out of that room and he never touched me again.”

But the damage was done. Shirley became a wild, unruly teenager. At 15, she ran away from home for good. As for my mother, Pat, she claims her father never laid a hand on her. But much of her early childhood is murky and devoid of memories. So she could never say for sure.

No one knows what Winnie said to Herb to make him stop abusing his own daughter. The incident was swept neatly under the family rug, never to be mentioned. By the time he became my Grandpa Herb, some 15 years later, it was all but forgotten. I remember him as an old man, with thinning hair, a glass eye and a deeply lined face. His tobacco stained hands were gnarled and calloused from a lifetime of manual labor. My sister Teri and I would dance on his feet and giggle madly as he twirled us around the living room.

Herb was an attentive grandfather. He even taught Teri and me how they kiss in France, using their tongues. We thought it was funny and icky. I remember when I showed it to Mom. She pulled her face away from mine, shocked, and asked, “Who taught you that?”

I hung my head, surprised by her reaction. “Grandpa did. He said everyone does it in France,” I said.

That incident passed as well. And for some reason Herb still had access to his granddaughters. Only when I was fully grown did I learn what a tragic mistake this was. Not for me. For my sister, Teri, who became the next in line to be groped and defiled by him.

Finally, a child’s intestinal problem brought an end to Grandpa’s hideous passions. My sister Teri was the sick one. Grandpa, for reasons I’ll never understand, was charged with giving her the anal suppository medicine she needed. I was the witness. Together, the three of us went to the upstairs bathroom. Grandpa pulled down my sister’s pants and inserted the suppository with a trembling hand.

Then he stood suddenly. Teri quickly pulled up her pants. Grandpa opened the bathroom door and walked out. We followed him together to the top of the stairs. Holding both of our hands, he took the first step, and the second. Then he put his right hand on the wall, waivered, and tumbled the rest of the way down. Two days later, he was dead from a stroke. I was six, Teri was seven and Grandpa was 65 when he died. You could call it poetic justice that he went the way he did. I call it a stroke of luck.

Sadly, my grandfather’s crimes occurred in a time when families did not speak of such things. Nor did they understand them. I believe if Mom and Grandma had known that Shirley’s history was being repeated on my sister, they would have done something to stop it. But they did not. And in the end it took a little girl to defeat the monster.

He is long gone. But the shame that should have been his alone found a new home in my sister’s heart. I cannot begin to imagine the demons she has wrestled with or the memories she has blocked in order to survive. But I do know this. She became a warrior—a defender of the weak.

This does not mean she has forgotten. Never. Every time we go to the San Fernando Mission to visit the graves of our elders, we stop at the stone that bears the names of Winifred and Herbert Haughawout. As we look down at the gray marble, the very same words leave my sister’s lips:

“Love you Grandma. Hate you Grandpa.” And we move on.

Note: My sister, Teri, was reluctant to make her story public. She does not want to be perceived as a victim nor has she lived her life that way. I applaud her courage for allowing this story to be told. Pedophilia is much more common than people like to believe. Only by speaking out can we protect those who cannot protect themselves.

6 thoughts on “Gone but not forgotten

  1. Isn’t it strange how you can grow up with good friends without knowing their biggest secrets and torments. I wish I knew.
    R.I.P. Winnie 🙂



  2. I’m devastated, and crying right now. I cannot imagine the pain or heartache. Memories like this are horror released into the open air on hopes they can blow into the heavens where peace reigns. Much love to my string and courageous siblings..


  3. What a shocking and yet beautifully written piece. I am disgusted with this story of abuse, yet heartened with the awareness and the persistence of you, your family, and especially your sister. You’re a very good writer. Thanks for sharing.


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